If You Don’t Like It, Stop Bitching About It – And Fix It!

"Dance a tune only you can hear, sing a happy song even if your sad, love your friends and family with all your heart. Tomorrow may never come so live for today."  Julie Hinkle

So this one day I was on the brink of tears.  You know… one of those little pity parties you have? I didn’t know why and I didn’t feel like there was anyone to really talk to. I just wanted to cry and I just wanted a hug and for no reason really.  Ever since the falling out of a friendship from someone I considered a sister and the death of another, I have yearned for the closeness of a friendship like I had before. 

Langdon was someone that I could talk to and never once did I feel judged. I could tell him the most humiliating stories and he would just laugh with me. I miss that kid dearly. And then the girl that I considered a sister, the one I was attached at to the hip to, the girl that I sang with, and have many memories with. We both changed and so did priorities and the friendship not only fell apart but shattered like a mirror dropped from 50 stories high. I mourned the loss of that friendship like I mourned the death of someone I cared for deeply.  In the 29 years of my life, I had never lost a friend so this cut deep.

Now, I’m not saying I do not have any friends. I have so many and I will be forever grateful for everyone in my life. I feel as though everyone in my life has contributed something to make me who I am today. Still, during my “poor me” session, I realized something…. It’s my own fault. It is and has been my own fault that I do not have that “best friend” that I can just call up for dinner or go to her house to hang out. It was my fault because I failed to put forth the effort into those friendships. I neglected those friendships and those people because I didn’t let them know how important they were to me. So I suppose I came to the conclusion that “you get what you give.”  

This little motto applies to almost everything. Life, school, work, kids, love, friendships… etc. If you put more of an effort into a relationship – you will get it back – sometimes tenfold! It seems as though I have applied this little rule into almost every part of my life except in friendships over the past year. And being the “Stop bitching and fix it” person that I am, I have come to the conclusion that I must put more of an effort into my friendships. I must stop whining and bitching about it and do something to change my thoughts.

Food for thought: On Friday, March 18, 2011, my friend made plans to come down for my birthday. He was planning on picking his girlfriend up from the airport that following weekend. On March 22, 2011, he died. We plan for tomorrow, next week, next month. But we never know if tomorrow, next week, or next month will come for us. We need to make sure that we tell those we care about how much we love them. Tell them... because they can’t read your mind.  Let them know that they are more important to you than they realize.

All My Love  ~  Sylba

o! and have you heard the new happy song?!?!? 

Domestic Violence

Every year, more and more people are being made aware of breast cancer. Every October there are parades and everything turns pink to promote breast cancer awareness. But did you know that October is also Domestic Violence Awareness month?  Matter of fact, do you really know what domestic violence really is?  If you don’t, you’re not alone. Many people have no idea what it is and it is always swept under the rug when spoken about.

Here are a few facts:  One in every four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. One in four, you guys!!! An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.  Most cases of domestic violence never get reported to the police. Witnessing violence between one’s parents is the strongest risk factor of transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next.

So why should you care? It’s not your problem and why doesn’t she just leave?  The reason you should care is that someone you know has been involved in a domestic violence relationship.  That person is me. I’ve dated a lot of guys who were just jerks. One guy in particular that I dated when I was 19 embedded these things into my head. Over and over again I was told I was worthless and no one would want to be with a 19 year old mother of two children. I was reminded how “lucky” I was to have him and he was allowed to cheat on me. Eventually, I got the courage to leave him. It was terrible but I had to for my own sanity. For years, those words stuck with me and that was what I believed. That I wasn’t deserving of some great guy who would love me and my children. 

Years later and a few relationships later, I thought that I had met the man of my dreams. (We’ll call him Aleb.)  At first he was so great to me, wrote me all of the time, came to visit me all the way from Denver, and told me everything I wanted to hear. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, blah, blah, blah. Eventually all of my friends didn’t really like him too much.  I was convinced that my friends hated him just because.  In time, my friends had just stepped back because they felt so helpless that I wouldn’t leave this jerk that treated me like this. They could no longer bear to hear me cry so they had to step back and let me learn.  My bosses saw the bruises and black eyes but I just protected him and told everyone “I deserved it. I pissed him off.” I even lied a few times about how I got those bruises and said it was all an accident.  I had to tell my landlord that he broke the door when he punched it and I even had to have a co-worker change the locks for me. I was then suckered back into the cycle with “I’m scared of losing you. I love you. I’ll change. I promise.” 

The last really bad physical altercation resulted in fractured ribs, collar bone, and cheek bone. Eyes black, gashes in the back of my head, bruises all over, busted lip, and hand print marks on my throat. The police arrested him that night. I wasn’t going to cooperate with them when they came. My resentment towards cops is like none other. They had never helped me before, why would they help me now?  I was then faced with going to jail for not cooperating or telling the truth. It took me eight times to leave him. I kept going back – even after this fight. I can still hear Cally’s screams when her father would drag me by my ankle. Her screams still haunt me in my dreams.

And only because I had a friend, Tracy, who stood by my side through it all, who took me in and gave me a home, was I able to successfully leave that relationship and get the help I needed. She gave me the strength I needed and I will never be able to repay all that she has done for me.

These men, these abusers, never change. They are able to control and manipulate everyone around them. And the women are so embarrassed by it, they hide it. So, again… where do you fit in? YOU fit in because there will be a time in your life when someone you know and love is going through this. And YOU need to be there when the floor crumbles beneath them. YOU have to be strong for them so that they can find their own strength. And YOU have to be aware.

With Love,   Sylba