Every year, more and more people are being made aware of breast cancer. Every October there are parades and everything turns pink to promote breast cancer awareness. But did you know that October is also Domestic Violence Awareness month? Matter of fact, do you really know what domestic violence really is? If you don’t, you’re not alone. Many people have no idea what it is and it is always swept under the rug when spoken about.
Here are a few facts: One in every four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. One in four, you guys!!! An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. Most cases of domestic violence never get reported to the police. Witnessing violence between one’s parents is the strongest risk factor of transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next.
So why should you care? It’s not your problem and why doesn’t she just leave? The reason you should care is that someone you know has been involved in a domestic violence relationship. That person is me. I’ve dated a lot of guys who were just jerks. One guy in particular that I dated when I was 19 embedded these things into my head. Over and over again I was told I was worthless and no one would want to be with a 19 year old mother of two children. I was reminded how “lucky” I was to have him and he was allowed to cheat on me. Eventually, I got the courage to leave him. It was terrible but I had to for my own sanity. For years, those words stuck with me and that was what I believed. That I wasn’t deserving of some great guy who would love me and my children.
Years later and a few relationships later, I thought that I had met the man of my dreams. (We’ll call him Aleb.) At first he was so great to me, wrote me all of the time, came to visit me all the way from Denver, and told me everything I wanted to hear. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, blah, blah, blah. Eventually all of my friends didn’t really like him too much. I was convinced that my friends hated him just because. In time, my friends had just stepped back because they felt so helpless that I wouldn’t leave this jerk that treated me like this. They could no longer bear to hear me cry so they had to step back and let me learn. My bosses saw the bruises and black eyes but I just protected him and told everyone “I deserved it. I pissed him off.” I even lied a few times about how I got those bruises and said it was all an accident. I had to tell my landlord that he broke the door when he punched it and I even had to have a co-worker change the locks for me. I was then suckered back into the cycle with “I’m scared of losing you. I love you. I’ll change. I promise.”
The last really bad physical altercation resulted in fractured ribs, collar bone, and cheek bone. Eyes black, gashes in the back of my head, bruises all over, busted lip, and hand print marks on my throat. The police arrested him that night. I wasn’t going to cooperate with them when they came. My resentment towards cops is like none other. They had never helped me before, why would they help me now? I was then faced with going to jail for not cooperating or telling the truth. It took me eight times to leave him. I kept going back – even after this fight. I can still hear Cally’s screams when her father would drag me by my ankle. Her screams still haunt me in my dreams.
And only because I had a friend, Tracy, who stood by my side through it all, who took me in and gave me a home, was I able to successfully leave that relationship and get the help I needed. She gave me the strength I needed and I will never be able to repay all that she has done for me.
These men, these abusers, never change. They are able to control and manipulate everyone around them. And the women are so embarrassed by it, they hide it. So, again… where do you fit in? YOU fit in because there will be a time in your life when someone you know and love is going through this. And YOU need to be there when the floor crumbles beneath them. YOU have to be strong for them so that they can find their own strength. And YOU have to be aware.
With Love, Sylba
The reason domestic violence exists is that society tolerates it. Believing that the violence only impacts adults completely ignores the devastation it causes to growing children The trauma of witnessing family violence is so destructive to children's brain development that researchers are now reporting how the neuro-networks become hardwired causing maladaptive behavior. This is a live sentence for many kids growing up in violence. CHANCE (Changing How Adults Nurture Children's Egos) is a nonprofit working to make family violence socially unacceptable for the sake of the children. Our campaign this year is Healthy Habits, Happy Homes. Everyone reading this message, take a moment and consider what you really want for your children. Then change one behavior and watch your children grow in a healthier directions.
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